Crystal Eyes
Starring Silvia Montanari, Camila Pizzo, Victoria Del Rosal
Directors Ezequiel Endelman and Leandro Montejano
Certificate 15
Roger Crow/@RogerCrow

I’d never heard of this “camp, creepy and gloriously entertaining slasher,” but from the first few minutes I was hooked.
It might be described as “A must-watch for fans of Dario Argento fans (Suspiria in particular), and Nicolas Winding Refn’s The Neon Demon)”, but that opener feels like the filmmakers had studied every frame of Tony Scott’s The Hunger intro and replicated it (smoke machines turned up to 11, everyone wearing sunglasses and watching through wire fences).
It’s set in Buenos Aires, 1985, in the cutthroat world of fashion modelling, where people are being picked off one by one by a masked killer on the eve of a photoshoot to commemorate a dead supermodel.

If you like Peter Strickland’s gloriously surreal horror comedy In Fabric, then this would be a terrific companion piece.
It features a superb performance from Argentinian screen veteran Silvia Montanari as a fearsome magazine editor, and a cast of gorgeous thespians who play the whole thing as straight as it should be considering the wondrous OTT visual flourishes.
It’s a shame the movie hasn’t reached a wider audience in Blighty. It’s far more enjoyable than Refn’s The Neon Demon, and I can see cosplayers getting a kick out of dressing up as the lethal mannequin at the heart of the drama, if not Nadia and Nidia, the alluring duo who dominate the 40-minute mark.
At times it feels like a Lady Gaga video without the music. In fact, it wouldn’t be the worst thing to watch the whole thing again while playing her greatest hits.
I had no idea it was made in 2017. Aptly it feels more like 1983, and I can see directors Ezequiel Endelman and Leandro Montejano being hired by Hollywood to remake it, preferably with
Lady Gaga.
If you like your stalk and slash with lashings of style, this is a must see.

Photography 8
Script 7
Direction 8
Cast 8
Music 7

Watch Out We’re Mad (1974)
Starring Terence Hill, Bud Spencer, Donald Pleasence

Directed by Marcello Fondato

Two stock-car drivers (Terence Hill, Bud Spencer) declare war on a mobster (John Sharp) for destroying their new dune buggy. That’s the wafer-thin premise of this knockabout comedy.

When you’re on holiday with the kids and the local cinema only has one family friendly film, naturally you opt for it as a way of keeping the ankle biters. It’s the summer of 1974, and in the year ABBA make their debut on the world stage, Italy unveils their own brightly coloured feelgood romp. Terence Hill and Bud Spencer forged a nice little career in the 1970s as heroes on the wrong place at the wrong time.

Also known as Altrimenti ci arrabbiamo!, director Marcello Fondato’s offering is a co-production between Italy and Spain. You’d think it would lose a little something in translation, but it’s still good fun, especially the moment our heroes have a sing song.

https://youtu.be/EieFPHqeG3c

Take Me High (1973)
Starring Cliff Richard, Debbie Watling, Hugh Griffith
Certificate U

I spent an hour on the bus to Birmingham to see Cliff Richard… in Birmingham, though not at the same time. Thankfully I was five years old and the world was my burger. A Brumburger in this case, the meaty delicacy created by Cliff’s snappily dressed business type who is offered a job in New York and instead finds himself in Blighty’s second city.

He plays Tim, a merchant banker (no laughing at the back).
He’s not thrilled at first, but obviously grows to love it as much as he does the delightful Sarah (Debbie Watling).
Solid support comes from Anthony Andrews (doing his best Rex Harrison spoken word singing in a car with Cliff), the ever reliable George Cole and divine Maddie Smith.

It’s a sunny misfire which pre-empted the plots of Local Hero, Doc Hollywood and Northern Exposure. Cliff does a good job as the hero, and though the songs are instantly forgettable, it matters little. The upwardly mobile hero might be a tad annoying to start with, but the love of a good woman and a meaty snack soon makes him less of a “banker”.

A rare movie offering from director David Askey, who spent most of his career making TV classics such as The Gentle Touch, Tenko and When the Boat Comes In.
The humdrum songs include Take Me High, The Anti-Brotherhood of Man, Winning, Join the Band and The Word is Love.

Though slated by many, it’s well put together, has a great cast, and is nostalgic catnip for those like me who saw it as kids and later spent years in Birmingham.

Sadly it failed to set the box office alight and Cliff knocked his film career on the head after this.

Cliff Richard’s Day Off. Take Me High – a 1973 cracker

The serial killer thriller has been so well worn over the years that by 2000, many film fans were wondering if there were any new ways to tell the same old story of a psychopath stalking innocent victims.

Award-winning pop promo director Tarsem Singh – the man behind REM’s stunning Losing My Religion video – was as bored with the genre as everyone else. However, when he was offered The Cell as his debut feature film, he saw a way of using a familiar tale for his own extraordinary ends.

With Jennifer Lopez on board, the going looked good for a fresh spin on a tried and tested theme.

While the script by Mark Protosevich was impressive, filtered through the imagination of Tarsem it became one of the most unusual, not to mention disturbing, movies of the past few years.

It centres on child psychologist Catherine Deane (Lopez), a young woman who goes to extreme lengths to get through to her troubled subjects. With the aid of a revolutionary device which allows her to enter the subconscious minds of her patients, the heroine interacts with the comatose souls and attempts to cure them.

Unlike many similar thrillers in which the villain is caught in the closing moments, the vile Carl Stargher (Vincent D’Onofrio) is captured in an early scene. The twist is that this sado-masochistic individual suffers a huge seizure which leaves him unconscious.

With his eighth victim trapped inside a glass tank which will eventually fill with water and drown her, FBI Agents Peter Novak (Vince Vaughn) and, don’t laugh, Gordon Ramsey (Jake Weber) face a race against time to get vital information about her location from the slumbering Stargher before the hapless prey breathes her last.

Inevitably, Catherine enters the mind of the killer and attempts to save the day, but while the plot may be predictable, the visuals are anything but.

Although the scenes in the real world are typical of any CSI-style drama, the director unveils all manner of weird and wonderful sights to depict the villain’s inner thoughts.

Thanks to some stunning art direction, special effects and costumes, the style compliments the substance without overshadowing it.

J-Lo has made more than her fair share of stinkers in recent years, but here she gives one of her best performances since Out of Sight, even if it’s only responding to the bizarre events that unfold around her.

As Catherine searches for the monster’s tormented inner child, she becomes possessed by the evil force which created the sick kingdom.

It’s not long before Novak attempts to save Catherine from the madman’s evil dominion, but endures unimaginable horror to do so.

Although it loses much on the small screen, a scene with Stargher descending a staircase with a scarlet cape billowing behind him is breathtaking.

Despite mixed reviews from critics, the movie made a handsome profit, recouping its $33million production budget within a few weeks of release, and eventually grossing more than $100million around the world.

Although not for all tastes, The Cell is a haunting, unforgettable experience which keeps viewers captivated, from Howard (Lord of the Rings) Shore’s bold, wailing opening theme to the stunning finale.

Starring John David Washington, Kenneth Branagh, Robert Pattinson
Certificate 12A
Directed by Christopher Nolan
Roger Crow/@RogerCrow

Experiencing the first film at a cinema in five months was also going to be an event. Tenet is THE movie that will drag moviegoers back to the big screen, and for the most part it does not disappoint.
John David Washington, so good in Black Klansman, never puts a foot wrong as the heroic protagonist.

Drawn into a storyline so complex, you’d think it was the brainchild of Stephen Hawking, it’s bursting to the seams with smart ideas. And writer/director Christopher Nolan gives the audience so much credit to follow his tale, he doesn’t even put the obligatory location titles up. You know those shots of Big Ben that are followed by ’London, England’.

Half the time you’re so busy trying to figure out where the characters are, let alone when. And it’s the ’when’ which is the key factor in this HUGE production. A globetrotting, breakneck thriller with epic set pieces, witty dialogue, thunderous sound, and a superb cast.

Kenneth Branagh, playing a truly horrendous version of his Russian bad guy from Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit, is compelling as the integral antagonist, while Elizabeth Debicki is superb as his willowy trophy wife. There are echoes of her sublime mini series The Night Manager, while Himesh Patel is also excellent, along with Nolan’s regular collaborator Michael Caine in a glorified cameo.
It’s far from perfect. Like Bane in The Dark Knight Rises, a lot of the dialogue is muffled or unintelligible, whether behind masks, on a catamaran or just generally whispering. But when a film is this visual and brilliantly crafted, it matters little.
A set piece involving a highway hijack is expertly handled, and another involving a jumbo jet will leave you slack of jaw.
Then there’s the thunderous finale. Something so huge, I can only imagine the complexity of staging it.

And yes, there’s hardly any plot there to spoil it for when you see it on the biggest screen possible. It will need a second viewing for it to make more sense, but Nolan’s reputation as the king of complex action cinema is still very much intact.
It’s not a case of unpacking Tenet. More like deconstructing a flat pack house of a movie; putting it back into the box, and driving it back to the factory.
I saw it as part of my annual pilgrimage to my favourite movie house, Kinema in the Woods, a 140-mile round trip. It was well worth it.
I can’t wait to see it again, preferably with subtitles.

Direction 9
Script 8
Editing 9
Score 8
Cast 9

Starring Bruce Willis, Jesse Metcalfe

“We’ve got a great role for you Bruce Willis. You get to sit down in the back of a comfy stretch limo and the young bearded hero gets to sing your praises about what a war hero legend you are. The rest is just pottering around an old warehouse, shooting bad guys. Just smirk, pull a trigger, and we give you a suitcase full of cash. Sounds good?”
I’ve no idea if that hypothetical meeting between the producers of Hard Kill and Bruce ever took place, but I can’t blame him for taking the job. The guy deserves his seasoned hero status, and the small fortune in loose change he may have received.

The rest of the cast in this ultra macho and rather serious soldiers of fortune saga are also okay. There’s bearded, tortured, scarred soldier veteran; a kick ass Megan Fox lookalike with purple hair, and generic other fellow veteran soldiers who are all roped into a mission involving a technical mcguffin revealed in the first few minutes by a Hitchcock-style blonde (who also looks like Megan Fox), a Liev Schrieber lookalike, and a smoke machine turned up to 11.

The plot: a team of fearless mercenaries, led by security expert Derek Miller (Jesse Metcalfe) are strategically hired by billionaire tech CEO Donovan Chalmers (Willis) to protect a piece of technology that, if exposed, could destroy the world.
Their mission becomes higher risk when Chalmers’ daughter (Lala Kent) is kidnapped by terrorist group The Pardoners, who will stop at nothing to obtain the tech.

Miller and his team must work with Chalmers to save his family and protect the fate of the human race before it’s too late.
So yes, it’s far from original. An Expendables for the younger generation, and there’s nothing wrong in that. With a few beers and a take out, it does exactly what it says on the tin. The cast do their best with the so so material, and while the bulk of the budget obviously went on hiring Bruce for his stint, fair play to the rest of the hungry young cast who do most of the heavy lifting.

Like most action thrillers the film could have done with a good script editor. Every mention of “Project 725” could have been trimmed to “725” after the first couple of mentions. And the bad guy’s speech about, er, not being the bad guy sounds like it was penned by a 16 year old.
What works in its favour is the simple siege set up. If it was good enough for Rio Bravo and the movie it inspired, Assault on Precinct 13, it’s good enough for this by-the-numbers thriller.

I could have done without the annoying gunfire during generic shootouts. Decent sound design doesn’t cost a lot, yet it can make a humdrum movie so much better. Dropping 50 per cent of the gunshot sounds would have helped enormously.
So it’s not bad, just sombre, and generic. The finale was a bit of a let down. A huge explosion would have helped but I’m guessing the budget didn’t stretch to decent pyro effects.
Don’t expect too much and you may enjoy it. Obviously it’s no Die Hard, but it’s not a complete waste of time either.

Script 3
Cast 6
Editing 7
Direction 7
Score 5

Starring Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone

Directed by Ruben Fleischer

Cert 15

By Roger Crow/@Roger Crow

I can’t say I was desperate for a Zombieland sequel. Was anybody, especially after a decade?

For newcomers, the first one was a fun horror comedy which hit the ground running. It gave us assorted rules on how to survive after a zombie apocalypse, and aside from a great turn from Jesse Eisenberg as the young hero Columbus, and Woody Harrelson as his gun-toting mentor Tallahassee, there was superstar-in-waiting Emma Stone as Wichita, one of two sisters they pick up along the way. (Abigail Breslin played her sibling, Little Rock).

There was also a blissfully funny cameo from Bill Murray as himself, and some fun action scenes. A decade later, and having spent far too long fighting zombies in absurdly addictive game They Are Billions, I need a break from button-bashing.

Now I’m of an age where if a film doesn’t grab me in the first 10 minutes, as long as I’m not reviewing it, I turn it off. So late one Saturday night I think I‘ll watch five minutes and go to bed. Thankfully Zombieland: Double Tap is that rarest of things: better than the original. In the years since films one and two, obviously a lot has happened, and Columbus fills us in on the blank spaces.

He and Wichita are now a couple, but while this quartet are living it up at the White House, Little Rock wants to go off exploring. So she and Wichita vanish one night, and Columbus is left heartbroken. At least until the guys happen upon Madison (a scene-stealing Zoey Deutch), an adorable but not too bright valley girl in the mall. And when they return to Pennsylvania Avenue, there’s an awkward moment as estranged lovers are reunited.

When Little Rock goes missing while on the road, Columbus, Tallahassee, Wichita and Madison go off in search.

Though many films have been dubbed horror action comedies over the years, few have been that scary, funny or exciting. Thankfully this is all three, with one laugh-out-loud moment in a minivan that had me giggling long after the heroes had moved on. When our team meets (the wonderful) Rosario Dawson’s Nevada near Graceland, another perfect addition to the mix, things get even better.

And while the addition of a couple of very similar new arrivals is reminiscent of that fleeting scene in Shaun of the Dead when all the heroes bump into their own similar characters, this is far less throwaway. There’s a sub plot involving advanced zombies which are harder to kill, like Terminators, but those apex predators don’t dominate the story.

So a faster, funnier and more thrilling adventure than we had any right to experience, and with a mid-credits scene involving a familiar face that keeps the laughs coming, don’t turn off too early.

9.0

Starring Anthony Franciosa, John Saxon, Dara Nicolodi
Directed by Dario Argento
Certificate 18

Roger Crow/@RogerCrow

In the early eighties I used to spend ages leafing through the vinyl in my local WH Smith’s. Soundtracks specifically, where all manner of unusual worlds awaited. One was Tenebrae, a film which sounded as exotic as it was mysterious. What did it mean? What was it about? And was it any good? The head and shoulders image of a dead woman lying backwards was iconic. What part did that play in the movie? Almost 40 years later and I finally get my answers.

Now as any movie fan will tell you, Dario Argento is the king of Italian horror and suspense. His dreamy, luscious visuals inspired many imitators, and while this offering is hampered by a humdrum script and so-so acting, there’s no denying it’s a fascinating piece of work.

The plot: a razor-wielding psycho is stalking a bestselling horror novelist in Rome. Accompanied by his Scooby Doo-style gang of colleagues, our hero tries to crack the mystery.
It’s obvious Argento is a fan of Hitchcock and De Palma. A scene in a shopping square plays out like a scene from one of their films as John Saxon waits for his liaison.

Another scene involving a dog chase is also strangely compelling, despite some awful acting and dubbing. This hound is like a Terminator. It will not stop until the poor young heroine is caught. Some creepy camerawork in more ways than one makes this feel uncomfortably voyeuristic in places. But then again, vouyeurism and feeling uncomfortable have been two of the key elements of the genre for decades.

I sympathise with some of the absurdly beautiful women in the movie who have a job keeping their clothes on. But while the PC brigade will no doubt have a field day criticising this 1982 offering, as a suspense thriller goes, it’s never dull. Yes, there’s a large helping of Marscarpone in the mix. At times the film is so cheesy, it’s feels like it’s sponsored by a lasagne company. And also lots of ketchup the colour of red food dye. One attack is beautifully executed (pun intended).

It also sounds great, musically at least. The Goblin score, which I first witnessed in LP form all those years ago, would have been a worthy purchase. And probably also worth a fortune now.
Things really come together in the third act as the mystery is revealed, and the last 15 minutes keeps you guessing until the end. I didn’t have a clue who the killer was, which is rare because I can usually pre-empt these things by at least the half way mark.

There are moments when it’s unintentionally funny, such as the author’s expression when his young sidekick drives through a busy junction, nearly killing them both.
Even watching a time-coded, watermarked copy on an iPad was a compelling experience, so I may have to get the real thing and watch it all again. It won’t be for all tastes, but if you love classic horror and suspense with a giallo flavour and a gloriously eighties score, then this is a must see.

8/10

Starring Beanie Feldstein, Alfie Allen, Paddy Considine
Directed by Coky Giedroyc
Certificate 15
Roger Crow/@RogerCrow

I’ve not read Caitlin Moran’s semi-autobiographical novel which she adapted for this movie, but I did grow up on the streets where most of it is set, and it’s an interesting take on Wolverhampton. An Almost Famous-style saga of one writer’s rapid ascent into the heady world of backstabbing journalism.

I’m not sure why Beanie Feldstein was cast as Johanna Morrigan, a music journalist who escapes her impoverished trappings; goes to work in London; reviews gigs and slags off bands; realises that being a bee-atch is the fast track to success, and then learns the error of her ways. She’s got the spirit of Moran’s alter ego, and is a vibrant screen presence, but most of the time Beanie sounds more Liverpool than Wolverhampton.

So while I spent the first act trying to get past that awkward voice, eventually things started to settle down as the flame-haired protagonist proceeded to work her magic on the music industry like an extra from The Greatest Showman.

Paddy Considine’s Wolvo tones are also a little off, as is Chris O’Dowd as the host of a thinly veiled version of Midlands Today.
However, Sarah Solemani is spot on as the heroine’s permanently exhausted mum, and Alfie Allen also superb as the tortured Welsh tunesmith Johanna falls for.
It ticks over nicely, there are some interesting cameos, and I loved the closing titles/track.
So it’s not perfect. Far from it. Maybe it’s because the whole thing was done so much better in Moran’s excellent sitcom Raised by Wolves that I wanted more.

Cast 8
Script 7
Direction 8
Accents 2
Editing 8
Score 8

Starring Patrick Stewart, Katie Holmes, Giancarlo Esposito

Direction Claude Lalonde

Certificate 12

By Roger Crow/@RogerCrow

A famous pianist struggling with stage fright late in his career finds inspiration with a free-spirited music critic.That’s the premise behind Patrick Stewart’s new movie, which has a lot going for it. Katie Holmes lights up every scene she’s in as said journalist, Helen Morrison. Her adoration of pianist Henry Cole (Stewart) is obvious, and little wonder. The man is a genius, but it’s obvious from the first few minutes he has a problem. Standing in a back alley, shaken to his core, he struggles to regain his composure after a performance.

Thankfully everyone he meets is either a fan or becomes aware of his greatness after he has wafted through their life. His agent, Paul (Giancarlo Esposito) obviously loves him, and not just because he takes a percentage of the great man’s income. Cole works his magic on everyone, despite the fact he’s so absorbed by his mortality it’s scant consolation.

The soundtrack is wonderful. A piano score which stitches together scenes like silken audio thread. And then there’s the Swiss backdrop. It’s so easy on the eyes, with Cole pottering about dealing with his problems, and basking in the memories of his life, and the dreamy face of Ms Morrison, that I wonder if I’d have been happier with the great Yorkshireman doing a piece to camera and telling us why Switzerland is so wonderful like one of those ITV celeb travelogues which Joanna Lumley does so well.

If there is a roadmap to the film, it unfolds at the 40-minute mark as I realise what our seasoned hero plans to do. Or not. As a Trek fan it’s hard not to be reminded of Sir Pat’s turn in Just Good Things, the feature-length finale of The Next Generation, when our hero was addled with a condition which saw him phasing between timelines.

I’ll be honest, Stewart can perform pages from the phone book and it’ll be worth watching. And if Katie Holmes wants to stare adoringly at him for 90 minutes while a drone films gorgeous Switzerland to the strains of a glorious piano concerto, then count me in.

Yes, it might be a big film about one man reflecting on his genius and lost loves, but I’m sure that while doing the washing up on a rain-lashed day, I’ll reflect on the movie and feel warm and fuzzy. There’s just something about watching actors at the top of their game with a great script and a director who knows that dialogue doesn’t need to be in every scene to make a great movie.

A shame about the name, which is far worse than the overly enigmatic aka, Coda. Personally I think All Good Things would have worked just fine… again.